Hope I Am Not Crying Wolf…AGAIN
While I recognize and admit that a portion of the reasons for the tragedy that is my life are due to my own faulty decision-making skills, when you look at the grand scheme of things, ideally you learn from your mistakes and move on. Ideally you start and continue to make progress. Ideally…
However, what is left to do when you’ve emasculated every excuse, you’ve resolved to let the past be the past and refuse to be labeled or defined by your past, you’ve sought and employed training on faith, gratitude, giving, mindfulness, decision making, positive thinking, spiritual laws, universal laws, and even the black arts and yet nothing done results in a positive or even a glimmer of positive resolution or even a shimmer of progress.
What is left to do when you have tried everything and I do mean everything – well every lawful thing to improve your personal self – to no avail, to improve your quality of life – to no avail, to make effective and lasting changes to the things you have control of – to no avail. When you have done everything to either possible extreme and have not benefitted on either side of the scale, what do you do?
It’s not a matter of having only tried one thing or even multiple things just one solitary time. I’ve tried a myriad of things a myriad of times, making changes, tweaking processes, setting and resetting goals, adjusting to adversities – all resulting in the same outcomes as previously experienced and in some cases worse outcomes than from when I began.
Medical folks say that all of this is normal and merely pump you full of medication after medication – medication to fix what the other medication caused and then medication to fix the problem that that medication caused. It was ridiculous how many medications I was on before I turned 40. The number has only increased since turning 40. What kind of life is that when you are on so many medications yet nothing is ever better or resolved – things are just barely controlled.
Church folks will throw scripture at me and say something to the effect of, have faith in God, believe you will receive and you will have, God will not put no more on you than you can bare and when you have done all you can do to stand, stand therefore, be still and know, see the salvation of the Lord.
I tried all that too but then it got to the point that I should have stepped out on faith instead of just standing and waiting on the salvation of the Lord and then there were times when I should have stood to see the salvation of the Lord and I stepped out on faith instead. God’s will is perfect but my understanding was not. It was impossible to know – let me say it was impossible for me to discern, decipher, and know what to do at whatever time and I have suffered greatly because of it. Then when I realized it was emotionally safer (but not by much) to just stand and not ask anything of God either way, then that which I stood upon would always crumble. Some would say that that was my cue to step out on faith – not so – stepping out on faith, at that point, for me was likened to trying to run up a mountain during a rockslide and at sometimes during an all-out avalanche. It never ever turned out well for me.
Incidentally, when every faith step on solid ground results in epic faith failures it is just that much more difficult to figure out which step to take when the ground is crumbling all around you.
Some will say that we all fall down or get knocked down sometimes and that all I need to do is get back up, dust myself off and start again. I concede that this is most people’s reality, however, somehow I don’t just get knocked down, most times I get knocked back and often times it seems like I’m not only down but that I’m being stepped upon and held down. I liken it to fighting a bully – you been picked on and at some point enough is enough and a fight ensues. Every time you get knocked down you get back up to fight again no matter what until you get blindsided the bully’s five fat sisters and for a minute you are fighting and trying to beat the adversities until one of them deals a blow so hard that it not only knocks you down but it knocks you back and as you try to get back up one of them steps firmly upon your chest daring you to get up. Determined to win you try to get up and they stomp on you again so much so that you have no choice but to wait until they move on. By the end of it all, you are standing again but not where you were but in a worse, broke up and busted up state than you once were in. This is what life is like for me. Even now, I’m in situations today that I never thought I’d ever find myself in all because I kept trying to press forward and kept getting up when life knocked me down. You may not understand it but for me it’s a totally different dynamic to be knocked down verses being knock down and back. It felt like I was always trying to at least get back to the place I was – at least – but even that to no avail.
No one reading this can possibly grasp how disheartening it is to not have one single solitary thing work out in their favor and yet I kept trying. To be frank, I felt like I had an addiction to creating a better life. If I could get this or that to work right or if I could just land this job, or earn that degree, or succeed in this or that business, or succeed in being a normal human….If I could have done any one of those things I just knew I would be on my way to being better off and changing or creating a legacy for my family.
Some would say that my problem was either wanting too much or ungratefulness. I can’t concur with that, as there was a time that I chose contentment like the bible says…be continent in such that you have. I will not say that that was necessarily a happy time but rather than trying to change or make things better, I had resolved to accept things as they were. That whatever was allowed to happen was the will of God and that was that. But thanks to a certain church, that mindset changed into having to get more so that more can be given to the kingdom of God and the work of the kingdom. That was when I really began to work on my personal being. Understanding that I can’t change others and that I can only change me, I delved in to trying to be a better person. Talk about a huge mistake. In trying to be a better person I lost myself. At one point I got so caught up in following the rules that I lost sight of who I was really serving and should have been aiming to please.
Since my last post I have gone through some traumatic experiences particularly on my job. I think I wrote last about Deb McCoy but she got fired and they hired the craziest person I have ever had firsthand experience with on this job. I have been literally traumatized and I will discuss some of that in another post.
I am going to attempt to address some of things I had put off in the obviously unrealistic hope that I’d have a modicum of success in something this year. Why I keep mistakenly thinking that things will somehow get better is really beyond me. Especially with severely diminished faith. While I still believe there is a God, my faith is only a belief in the premise/promise of salvation. If salvation turns out not to be true it won’t really matter because I’ll be dead. I mean that is the only way to know if it true. So I believe that because Jesus is the son of God and he came lived died and rose again for my sin and because I confess the Lord, I believe that I will go to heaven. But that is it. All the rest of it is too difficult for me to get it to work or allow to work or whatever and I just don’t have the vested faith for it anymore.
Somethings I wish I had written about when they actually happened this year but I was far too disgust and distraught to do so. I have some audio recordings of some events that occurred and I will be uploading them because the things I have endured on this job just would not be believed unless I had this proof.
I have a lot on my heart to purge before I go and I can only hope I get the necessary stuff said before the day. I have a new niece to address. I don’t remember if I addressed my mother. The kids are older now so I need to address them again since they will probably remember their auntie.
A lot of what I need to say makes me so emotional which is another reason I have put it off. However, it’s important to me that people know why I did what I did as so many who take to path I’m going to take don’t give reasons or an understanding of why. This site is twofold though, I want you to know why and I want you to know and believe that there was absolutely nothing anyone reading this could have done.
REASONS
REASONS
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER
THERE ARE NO REASONABLE EXCUSES LEFT FOR THE UNCHANGING STATE OF MY LIFE
I HAVE TRIED A MYRIAD OF THINGS – ALL THE THINGS I KNOW – A MYRIAD OF TIMES IN AN EFFORT TO EFFECT POSITIVE CHANGE IN MY LIFE, ALL TO NO AVAIL
PROFESSIONALLY – I HAVE REACHED A DISMAL DEAD END WITH NO HOPE IN SIGHT
FINANCIALLY – I CAN’T MAKE ENDS MEET
PERSONALLY – DUE TO MY FINANCIAL AND PROFESSIONAL STATUS I AM NOT FIT TO CONSIDER A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY MAN AND BESIDES THAT, EVEN THOUGH I LOVE ME, I AM NOT LOVABLE
MY VERY SPIRIT IS BROKEN SEEMINGLY BEYOND REPAIR, THE MORE DETERMINATION AND GRIT I EMPLOY THE WORSE MY OVERALL PICTURE BECOMES
BEING A HOSTAGE TO MY EMOTIONS IS BECOMING UNBEARABLE, INESCAPABLE, AND DAMAGING TO WHAT PERCEIVED SANITY I HAVE LEFT
I HAVE NOTHING THAT WARRANTS MY CONTINUED PRESENCE ON THIS EARTH, NOT THAT THERE ISN’T ANYTHING OR ANYONE WHO WANTS OR NEEDS ME HERE, BUT THAT THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR ME THAT MAKES ME WANT TO BE HERE
I AM OPTIONLESS AND POWERLESS TO CHANGE IT OTHER THAN GOING TO THE CRAZY HOUSE, JAIL, OR HOMELESSNESS – NONE OF WHICH ARE VIA OPTIONS FOR ME
I’M TIRED –
TIRED OF FIGHTING LOSING BATTLES
TIRED OF BEING ABUSED ON THIS JOB
TIRED OF ONLY BEING ABLE TO DEPEND ON MYSELF – LOOK WHERE THAT HAS LANDED ME
TIRED OF BEING BROKE AND BROKEN
TIRED OF NOTHING BUT CONSISTENT FAILURE
TIRED OF A LIFETIME ALONE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NO ONE BUT GOD COULD EVER LOVE ME
TIRED OF TRYING TO FIT INTO A SOCIETY THAT ALLOWS EVERYONE ELSE TO BE THEMSELVES BUT FOR SOME REASON REQUIRES ME TO CHANGE
I AM A FUCKING IDIOT
I made the biggest fucking mistake ever on December 31, 2016. I decided not to kill myself and I flushed my prize collection of prescription medication that I have gathered and saved for the occasion down the toilet. What a fucking idiot. I made the most ignorant decision of my entire life deciding that I should give life one more try. I decided that I was just going to just shrug off all the things that were problematic and just be positive and optimistic. But the more I give life a chance the more fucked up it becomes and I don’t know why I thought it would be any different than any other new year. Guess, I am a stupid ass mother fucking bitch just like my mother always told me as a little girl. She and my Grandma said I was nothing and that I would never be nothing. While I know that is a double negative it certainly is double true as well. Guess there really is power in the spoken word.
I can’t take living anymore. My job is perpetually in jeopardy and I can’t continue to wonder if something someone else says or does is going to get me fired. The company I work for, while it has been somewhat accommodating to my medical issues and have assisted me financially over the years though I paid everything back unlike many – they continue to perpetuate this hostile work environment for me.
Regina Porch spent the last 5 years making my life at work hell because the person she use to harass was fired. There have been several times where her antics alone have brought me to the brink of suicide – (actually attempting twice). I have literally gone to the ER after dealing with her because I could not in no uncertain terms go back to the office without being in tears. She used and abused the hell out of me under though auspice of legacy and buy-in. In the meantime I’m doing work that exacerbates the complications of my illnesses on top of doing the actual work I’m supposed to do. However, in recent months she has laid off of me and has made her two current assistants lives a living hell – more so the younger one than the older one. Just like I did, they put up with it. Then they vent to me about it. I can of course sympathize and empathize but I recently got in trouble for doing just that. I guess because of the history, while she smiles in my face and we exchange cordialities, as it turns out she wants me gone. There was an overheard conversation about her wanting me gone. Through her, New Age has raped me of my time, my medical health, and emotional well-being. So to hear that she of all the people here wants me gone is kind of unnerving. It’s funny though how she took ill to the point of having to be hospitalized right after she said that. God can be funny at times, I guess.
I’m wondering –though it sounds crazy if she and Debra McCoy got together to try to make my getting fired happen. Stranger things have occurred at New Age.
Debra McCoy has and continues to be the instrument of terror that threatens my job security and my life. Her antics, heretics, blatant ignorance, and culpability have made my workplace life a living hell. She has manipulated both bosses so that if I make a complaint against her I will be fired and if she makes a complaint against me I will be fired. Debra McCoy is a horrible horrible person and it’s no wonder her husband left her for a man. If I were fortunate to get a new job and had to share an office I would want it to be with a man too after dealing with her. She feels exempt from every rule that is set forth in the office to include the ones she had input on and agreed upon.
She smacks on candy and pops gum like a cheap trailer trash whore all day. She says she does this due to a hole in her tooth. She eats carrots and apples with her mouth wide open sounding like wood planks breaking and then feeding time at the zoo. We are required and mandated to share an office therefore it would seem that if an ignorant habit like that is addressed as a issue that a person – knowing that they are sharing a space, would kindly refrain from that ignorance. I have asked tactfully, playfully, angrily, and with sorrowful disdain all to no avail. I’ve addressed these types of things informally and formally with HR a total of 11 times and with my boss the president of the company directly three times. Of all the times, it was only formally addressed 3 times and the last two involved me being threaten with losing my office space and then finally being threatened with losing my job.
Not only that, Debra McCoy also does her best to not follow instructions and directions. When we do work together she acts brand new as if the work we have been doing together for the last two years is something she has never ever been done before. She purposely does the work wrong and with it being last minute (proposal submissions) there is never ever time to give the work back and make her do it until she gets it right and I have to correct it and get it done and get it out the door. She does sub-par proposal work and has the nerve to report me for not delegating any work to her and yes I got in trouble for that. I guess I’m fucking retarded – why would I give work to someone who purposely does it wrong and takes until the last minute to do it when I can save myself a mental breakdown and from having to jump through hoops to fix it and get it out the door on time. Proposals is a time sensitive deadline driven business. What’s fucked up is that when the boss asked me why I have problems with her work and I told him it’s because she is slow and acts brand new every time we do a proposal – that she either won’t remember or at least take notes and though she is supposed to assist I end up being the only one who stays late the only one doing what it takes to include cleaning up her mess so that we get the proposal submission out the door on time. He said so why do you do that – why don’t you give it back to her until she gets it right. I said because there is never time and the proposal has to go out. If I don’t do what I do then they won’t go out. So he says – so. I’m said well a proposal that does not make it out the door is a fail and the proposal team will hear about it. Then in staff meetings it’s “the proposal team” failed to do this or that. Neither in the team meeting nor the staff meeting do you single out the problem – it’s “the team” that failed. He didn’t say anything after that. I don’t like to be reprimanded, no matter how mild therefore I try to do everything that I am supposed to do and stay out of trouble. If I mess up then I deserve the reprimand. I abhor getting in trouble for what someone else does – the guilty by association thing. It is not fair. Let’s say there are 100 things to do by a deadline. Me and Debra McCoy start the list at the same time. I do 99 because I’m trying to get through the tasks but the last one has to be done by her but she does a half assed job and we miss the deadline – in my boss’s eye the team failed. It does not matter if I did 99 things – I failed because we are a team. So why would I involve her knowing she will set me up to fail?
My job is all I have. Without it there is nothing. I have no skills nor education to get another job. With that I have tried for years to find another job, obviously to no avail. That is pretty much why I put up with the mental rape that happens here.
I knew I made a mistake when I decided to live. I am not living material. I am a fucking reject of society and the more I try to force change upon myself to force fit myself into society the more apparent it is that I just don’t belong. It’s really fucked up.
I need my job but it is my job that will be the reason that I kill myself. I’m not fucking around this time. If I make it until March and if Debra McCoy has not gotten me fired before then, I am moving down to Woodbridge. Once I get my mom moved in and situated and find all my documents (car title, DD214, etc.), I am done with life. I so regret getting rid of all of the pills I had amassed. I’m sure I had the perfect silent but lethal combination but I got rid of it. WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT I AM!!!!!
Hope is bullshit. It fucks with you and I can’t take it. I’ve hoped for far longer than I care to admit to and I can’t do it anymore because it is useless for me. I am not at all knocking those for whom hope and faith have panned out. I’m not such a one. All I can do is continue to through money into the lottery and HOPE (LOL) that I win big enough to get the fuck away from everything and everyone I have ever known especially me job. Reclusive doesn’t begin to explain it.
I’m tired of people on my job fucking with me. That do unto others shit that people spew all the time – that shit does not work. I stay to myself when I eat – I don’t eat so that everyone knows I am eating. When I eat candy I don’t smack on it and say it tastes better when you smack on it (Yes Debra McCoy said that to me when I asked her why she smacks). I feel that eating a mint or a Whethers (Debra McCoy’s favorite candy) along with chewing gum is a personal thing. Because Debra McCoy and I share an office and we are the only ones sharing a space we, her and I decided that personal as in non- work related phone calls should be taken outside of our office. Every call that I get on my phone I take outside the office because that is the rule we agreed upon. Debra McCoy picks and chooses when she will abide by not only this rule but all the office rules. She leaves well before 5pm every day. Her rationale is that she gets in at 7am. When I remind her that the work hours are 8 to 5 regardless of when we get here she said well that’s stupid or she says well Regina doesn’t get in until 10. She along with most people here are allowed to rationalize but it’s the old – well you have been here longest so you should know better if I do any of what I see people here doing its suddenly a capital offense. It’s not a problem until I do it. It’s really uncanny.
Bottom line, I work to live and the constant fear of my job being in jeopardy especially with the Trump supporting, ego-maniacal, lawsuit happy Debra McCoy who is doing all she can to get me fired from the only job I have is more than I can bare.
I want to burst into tears every time I see or hear her. I am nervous all the time now. I have adopted an out of sight out of mind low profile perspective in the office. I am staying to myself in gut wrenching fear every day. My migraines have returned. I’m in so much pain every day that the certain degradation of this daily happy, non-abrasive, approachable and friendly façade that I portray is already materializing. This is another thing that will get me fired. The old – enough rope to hang myself deal – Another lie by Debra McCoy may not be the direct cause of my termination. It will probably be the fall-out of my inability to cope with the hostile environment that she has created for me. Dealing with Regina, while it is a horror I would not even wish on the dead, was no way as difficult as dealing with Debra McCoy. When Regina was done with me I could always go back and hide in my office – away from her. Debra McCoy is a constant terror that I have to literally live with because we share a space. Regina pops her gum as well but in mind I tell myself that at some point I will be able to go back to my office way from her. There is no getting away from Debra McCoy and I am the only one who has to deal with her day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, and second after second in a confined space. It’s a daily trap that is being set for me and I can’t bare the fear. I am literally afraid to just vent or call the helpline.
Yesterday when Debra McCoy chose not to follow the rules and took a personal call at her desk. I grabbed my phone and went out and called the suicide helpline because I was told that if I report anything else that I would be the one fired because I am the one with the problem. To me it is like she is doing stuff on purpose because she knows I’ll get fired if I report anything else. So next thing you know I am sitting in my boss’s office with HR with a complaint on me that I left out of the office and told someone in the office that she violated the rules again. So Yes I got in trouble and literally was told that I would be fired if I can’t work with her because I went and called a counseling service. I told my boss that I don’t know why this was brought to you. I thought I did the amicable thing and walked out the office and instead of running in tears to the ladies room again as I do at least 3 times a day. I thought if I vented to someone not in the company (even though many vent to me including HR) that it would be okay. However, I got in trouble for that today and almost got fired because my boss is “tired” of this. I completely understand that there is no more space that is why rules and the adherence to them is so important. It’s just like everything in life for me – I follow the rules and I get fucked. Now if I break a rule then while mercy and grace is hoped for, retribution is expected but to get fucked and almost get fired for following the rules. Nothing and no one can explain that to me. I am fucking retarded and will not ever understand why people get joy out of fucking with people. Especially fucking with people that are not fucking with you. I can’t stand it and I can’t take it anymore. I will die. My soul will unfortunately and undoubtedly go to hell. Having worked closely with her for only 2 years I can honestly say that she got what she deserved as it pertains to her divorce and her settlement. All the stories she has told me about how her husband treated her is completely understandable based on my short time just working in close quarters with her. He did 28 years and gave up. I’m not made of whatever he had that got him through 28 years. She is a pretentious narcissistic evil that finds pleasure in causing others emotional harm and determent.
My life will end due to Debra McCoy’s callousness coupled with all the fear and emotion and mental pain caused by my experiences on this job. Every suicide attempt and every time I called myself doing the right thing and going to the emergency room before an attempt has stemmed primarily from life at this job. Check the VA medical records and you will see the years of reporting the issues on my job.
I tried so hard to find new work. I even applied for jobs that would have put me in financial ruin if I had gotten them in an effort to get the hell away from here but remain working so I can live indoors. But nothing ever panned out – nothing ever pans out. I don’t have an education. Every time I try to go to school work ramps up suddenly. Then when I’m not in school no work – it does not matter what time of year it is. I tied to do school and work. With all that goes on at this job and the sometimes late hours associated with the work, I just couldn’t get all the classes I needed to graduate. The older I get the more complications I have from the illnesses that I have making doing more than all that my job requires all but impossible.
Now, after crying 3 times a day – when I do finally get home I go right to bed. I have to take a nap before going to bed – that is how drained I am every day. I’ve become a master at pretending that all is right with the world at work but nothing could be further from the truth. Then to have to put up with the fear of losing my job the only thing that while it mentally kills me keeps me physically alive and living in doors is just an existence that I cannot continue to weather.
All I have now to “hope” for (LOL) is the lottery. I will continue to throw money into the lottery “hoping” (LMAO) to win big enough to at least buy a house and finish school. But I already said what hope has gotten me for the most part. Nothing is God’s fault. I am totally to blame for my life and since I am the blame I am going to fix it once and for all. I could not fix it with God’s methods or allow him to fix it or however that is supposed to work. I could not fix it with any alternative means. I’m not going to rob a bank or do other illegal things. It’s lottery or bust – hell wide open.
In a side note – I know we can’t judge God but it’s kind of not fair that I should have to go to hell for killing myself. I tried so many different ways to live God’s way but I continued to come up short. I just am too stupid to figure it out and nothing he church was teaching ever worked out like the bible they used said it would. I could never figure out why it worked for other but not me. This was not God’s fault I am just spiritually learning disabled. I just don’t get it. There should be a break for someone who has earnestly tried to follow Gods word line upon line and precept upon precept but just could not get faith right to save my life – literally. I’m not so much saying hey God look at what I’ve done in a boasting way – I’m saying look I tried this and look was has happened. My results are not like everyone else’s results – more importantly they are not as the Bible itself says – I don’t have the testimonies every Christian seems to have. Again, no blame to God, I am just too earthly and spiritually stupid. SO now I get to go to hell because I am finally alleviating a problem that should have been taken out over 30 years ago just because I have no other means of fixing my life. That’s pretty messed up. But hey – rules are rules.
Quite Sure The Time Has Finally Come
The time is fast approaching…..again. Fairly certain this time. While I did not get to end my life on my birthday as I would have liked, though oddly enough, I had the perfect opportunity to do so, I am making preparations to ensure that I don’t make it into 2017. I have a pretty viable plan, though I am not sure I have enough of what I need yet but I’m still researching. I am preparing to sell a shit load of my belongings. Things I’ve bought over the years with the hope of at some point having the opportunity to enjoy using them and creating and making things with them will soon be on ebay and etsy…..what a total fucking waste. I kind of get angry at myself with that because I was stupid enough to think and believe that my life would actually get better and be one worth living and well….starting at age 7 it wasn’t worth a damn and now even at the still fresh age of 41 life still ain’t shit….for me. I cannot believe I thought I would be a better person and on my way to better things how stupid am I. I voted today for what it’s worth…I won’t be here for the results to matter. Every time I look at all the things I worked to have because I knew I would not get them any other way and now I’m going to sell them, it kinda hurts and makes me angry but hurts a lot. I was look-ing at some things I bought about 7 years ago and remembering what I planned to do when I got the space and the time. Never going to happen now. Anyway…..
I still have to play the “normal” game. I’m still going to work and school. I’m still going to play the lottery. I’m still going to hope that the plans in place by my closest and dearest confidant are going to develop as desired. I’m still going to hope that God fixes my mind but since I am what I call spiritually learning disabled and analytically over abundant…..trying to maintain hope in such an obviously hopeless situation is challenging plus I have less than a slither of a mustard seed size of faith left.
However, over these next few weeks I am going to address the “why” of what I have done. There will probably be several iterations or pieces to try to answer to this question. Again I will also attempt to address the all to common “what could I have done” question that people associated with me in any way may possibly ask. For now – the short of it is – nothing. Fixing me involves either me or me and my God and I could not do it with me and I could not do it with God – NOT because of God but because of me. I was just too spiritually stupid.
Anyway, I had already informed my best and closet and frankly only true friend of my plans and I think I angered them so this time because perhaps this time I asked something of my friend that I had never asked before. My friend has not responded to me as of today and while I know my friend is like me in that they process things slowly and think before responding, I’m sure they are angry and I understand.
I am going to have to get all this writing done between trying to appear to be normal and keeping up appearances. I can’t say that I will add to the messages I left to my family specifically my nieces and nephews because it hurts me tremendously to think of them without their Auntie but I can’t even force myself to drudge on for them anymore. I do love them so much.
Addressing my mother in the forum is going to be tough. She has no idea how bad I hate living and we live in the same house. She does know that I suffer from depression but that is about it. I am perceived and have always been from my youth perceived as the “strong one” the burden barer and that is the façade I held all my life. Only one person knows that I was never ever strong and that I was only able to act like I was because I had to because there was no one else to be strong.
Some idiot came up with the saying that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger…..I say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you harsher, harder, angrier, more bitter, and more hateful which in the end makes you wish you had died because you can never ever accomplish anything of meaning or anything leading to any kind of success with these as your core attributes.
Now before you pseudo-psychologists say that I choose to let the bad things that happen to me make me harsh, hard, angry, bitter, and hateful and that I could have chosen something else please understand all these things were ingrained in me from childhood so before I was even 10 years old I was already harsher, harder, angrier, more bitter, and more hateful. There was no counseling or therapy or training or any of that crap until late late adulthood. The more I tried to apply the techniques and make proper or better decisions the more bad shit started happening as if to say okay now that I have techniques, apply away. Problem is/was I’m not one for a lot or really any trouble. At that time I felt like I already had more than my fair share of bad shit happening to me therefore it was no longer my turn. Then in spite of doing the right thing and making proper choices and choosing to be the better person all of that was beginning to bite me in the ass and people were getting over on me and abusing me once again…different set of events but same shit.
I had also heard it said that doing the same thing and expecting different result was a definition of insanity. So it was obvious to me that the ways that work for every other person just didn’t work for me and I thought I would give God a try. Then church folks were abusing and using me….different events and terms but same crap. While I believe that anyone and everyone should have God in their life and while I would never ever deter anyone from running to the Lord, due to my being spiritually dumb, not even the God of the universe could fix me.
No, there is nothing too hard for God – but even Jesus damned a tree that hadn’t produced any fruit (fig). He was God he could have caused the tree to produce but instead he cursed it so no man would eat of it. Think on that.
Anyway, It’s not that God couldn’t fix me, I was too spiritually inept let myself be fixed by God. God is wonderful. I have heard the many stories and testimonies over the years and I foolishly believed that God would do for me what he had done for others. By the time I learned that while God is no respecter of persons and that he does in fact have a plan for me – and that his plan is specific to me it was too late. I learned too late that no matter how much I pray, praise, shout, dance, fast, believe, stand, and every other mis-taught spiritual tactic I use – If what I am praying for or believing God for is not in his plan for me then I will not and did not receive it. Period. By the time I learned that I had been filled to the brim with all the teachings of the various churches which seemed to also be backed up with testimony after testimony of people who were smart enough to figure out how to let God work for them in the way the church was teaching and I couldn’t figure it out. It was just too late for me to change sides…well not change sides but operate under the probably more correct premise for me that his plan for me is or was specific to me and that I should not have looked to the church and even the people of God as a gauge of what he is going to do in my life. I should have invested more time in learning God instead of learning church.
Wow – I have really gotten off track for what I wanted to say in this message. I have more to say. I will go into depth on some of what I touched on in this message. For the record I always feel it is important to say that no one else is in any danger. The only person I am getting rid of is the person with the problem and that is me an me alone. I hate when crazy people go and kill up other folks and ruin other people’s lives and families and then take their own life because they don’t want to live anymore. What do all those other people have to do with that? It’s crazy. People will say that what I have done is selfish but I say that is truly selfish.
If I have time I will try to get another message in later today.
Blessings
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Horrible Cycle
What horrible cycle I find myself in…
I intend to kill myself but I don’t want to do it while my mother is still alive unless I can make arrangements for her so that she will have a place to live. So for the record I am not selfish as most who are against suicide will say. I just can’t fathom how she would be able to survive without me given that I am her sole source of support. So I have been working on different ventures and projects and business ideas to try to amass enough money for her but because my motives are by no means amicable I cannot get any kind of blessing or a break to try to square my mother away before I go.
I don’t want to continue the life I have and the only apparent options are to either fall further than I already have becoming even more worse off than I already am or just staying right here where I am. I can’t make anything better. As it appears “better than this” is not in the will or plan of God for my life so what is left for me to do.
As I keep trying different things that inevitably fail it seems ludicrous that I keep trying expecting the outcome to be different. I mean, it makes my head hurt.
I had the nerve to think that I would change the destiny and legacy for my family. I guess God said – the audacity, that is not for you to do. And my punishment is to have no substantial success just sustaining success.
It is physical painful to continue to hold back tears, to smile and perform as required in the work environment and in my household. Holding back the rage that I want to unleash upon myself makes me have chest pains.
I never imagined that one of the things I could not change would be my life and disposition – I never imagined I would be required to accept this. I guess that I believe that no matter how bad things got that at some point I would be able, with the help of God to change this life to change this legacy. How stupid and idiotic I was. I mean how I could have possibly thought that I could make a difference for my family when even my prayers for my family are non-effect. WOW, what the hell was I thinking! Oh My God, I feel like a total nincompoop.
The cycle sucks. I will at some point settle on “not while my mom is alive” and then revert to “let’s try to make this life better” then on to “nothing is working” …..and in between new situations blowing up old situations getting worse then on to “I can’t do this anymore” then on to “I gotta make some money so I can leave it for my mom” then on to “not one absolute thing is going to work now so just end it all now” then back to not while my mom is alive……..
It’s really fucked up though. I know that I can do nothing without God. However, due to this self-diagnosed/self-named Spiritual Learning Disability I am unable to be however I need to be to allow the power of God to work and be prevalent in my life. This means that anything that I try to do will inevitably fail because more than likely God is not in it.
I want to believe that God won’t send my soul to hell because of a Spiritual Learning Disability which is causing me not to benefit from the salvation I accepted through Jesus Christ. But I also know that or believe that killing myself will send my soul to hell. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to live a life anything like these first 40 years. There is nothing in the first 40 years of my life that I would like to have again. I desperately wanted to facilitate change and make a change for my family and to leave a better legacy but I am not equipped to do it.
Nothing I have ever desired has ever been the will of God. Not one solitary thing. Why I thought this request would be any different I don’t know….I guess it’s the Spiritual Learning Disability.
The problem at hand is that I don’t know how much longer I can teeter like this. While I am still alive I still have to work and each day is harder and harder keep up the facade of an approachable, funny, co-worker with high work ethics. It is equally getting harder day by day to be the loving aunt that my nephew loves, the piggy bank my sister abuses, and the seemingly carefree daughter my mother knows.
I am afraid that someone may ask me if I am all right and that I will just start screaming at the top of my lungs that I want to die. To my family I am the strong caretaker and provider – I am the one who must keep it together – the one who has never shown weakness in my family. On my job…..well let’s just say that screaming that I want to die probably won’t yield anything pleasant – you just can’t do that.
But I am so close – I try so hard to make the jokes and be the one that makes people laugh to enjoy their day while on the inside I wish everyone would truly leave me the hell alone. What a dynamic shift right? Then at home my nephew whom I love beyond measure often and I mean often checks on me and every time he checks on me he insists on giving me a hug. That kid has kept me from ending it more times that he will ever know. But he wants to hug me and I hug him faithfully but in my mind while I thank God for his love I really wish he would just go sit down somewhere and leave me alone. It’s not anything that he is doing wrong – It’s just that I just don’t want to be here and part of that not wanting to be here means I don’t want to be bothered. It’s awful isn’t it? I feel tremendous sorrow about that because I am sure there are folks who wish they had a child or person who cared so much about them like my nephew cares and loves me.
I hate it because I want to make a better life for him and my other nieces and nephews but it’s just not God’s will. So it’s hard for me to look at them and think about their futures. It hurts me so that they are/will struggle just as their parents, grandparents, great grandparents. I so wanted to facilitate a change but it’s not in God’s will so that’s why I really, unbeknownst to them, try to shelter my hurt from deep love for them because they are all beautiful and intelligent kids and I so wanted them to have better and not have to struggle for every single thing as every single generation before them. I wanted to afford them to opportunities that I never had and never will have.
Bottom line it’s hard to be in this life both at work and at home. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t shop, I don’t have sex, therefore I have nothing to soothe me even temporarily. It’s too the point that food doesn’t not even work anymore – and I love food.
It’s getting so I can’t concentrate at work because I know that what I am producing at work is not going to prosper me but only sustain me. Sometimes I go and cry to try to just break-up the…tension I guess so I can focus and get through the work day. At home I can’t express any emotions because my mom or nephew are constantly in and out of my room.
It’s just a really fucked up mess. I have no desire to go back to the “world” or a lifestyle of sin but I can’t go any further in God either. I feel like I’m in earthly purgatory – I can’t go back to sin but I can’t go anywhere with God and I am stuck in the middle. This is why I want to die.
I could talk forever about deserving to die merely because I will never fulfill the God’s plan for my life. I’m just not going to. I asked God to tell me to show me to make it clear to lead me to guide me – in other words I have said all the right things but have no idea how or if I have received those request and how to exercise in them. I have asked God to literally force me to do right and to give me direct guidance but again I guess my spiritual eyes and ears refuse to be open so I never got that direction – no that God didn’t give it – I just never saw or heard it. I even went so far as to relinquish my free will to God in an all-out effort to be one with God and to operate primarily in God’s will. I told him that I know he can see what I am doing with my free will and I want to walk in total absolute obedience to him. However, that obviously was not his will either.
So, I am not sure why I chose this point to go into a little history about my relationship with God but since I have, please don’t think I am justifying or proving my right to die by adding this. Nor do I want anyone to think that I have anything against God. I solemnly believe that when you ask God for something, if it is his will he releases it and that you have to then walk in it and believe that you have it and you will. The problem for me was I could never ever ask for the right things – the things in his will for me. I even asked him to tell me what to ask or put in my heart what to ask and apparently I still didn’t get it right because even then nothing I was seeking was God’s will.
I guess since I seem to be side tracked I will end here.
Sorry I Just Could Not Cut It
I guess what I am becoming is a non-believing believer. I apology to you God for not having, or not figuring out ability to accomplish whatever you will was for me. I use to pray for an extraordinary life. I didn’t think that it would be an extraordinarily bad or mediocre life. While it is not at all your fault, I can’t help wondering why you have allowed me to live all this time. I mean, I know you are God and you are sovereign and therefore you are in control of life and death. But I also know, well….I have been taught that you are also omniscient so you had to know that I was going to abandon my faith. In hindsight perhaps you knew that I would do this and this is why you never allowed my any faith victories and why I never received the desires of my heart whether I was a wishy-washy believer or when I was totally undoubting. You knew I would never amount to anything because you knew this moment was coming. Be it far from me to give you direction Lord but you could have just let me die. I look back and I see nothing but wasted time. While time is infinite for you I guess I figured that since you knew I would get to this point that you allowed me to suffer here on earth because you thought maybe I would figure it out. But part of me is angry because years ago I told you I couldn’t figure this Christian life thing out and I pleaded with you to help me to show me specifically directly implicitly how to hear you, how to tell the difference between my own mind, the enemy, and your spirit. I was tired of having faith failures and not being able to add to my faith as your word teaches. I stood still, I stepped out, I ran out in faith and failed every single time. Maybe you thought I would get it together because you created me and knew that one day I would but at the same time I am here now preparing to become the biggest hypocrite.
While I will no longer try to be active in the faith – while I am abandoning the calisthenics of the faith, I will not stop spreading the Good News. I believe that I am an anomaly as it pertains to the faith. I think I am just one of a few who desperately desired more from you than you had in your plan for me and thus this is why I could never quite have faith victories. I refuse to believe that every testimony that I have heard over time is a lie which means these people figured out how to operate in the spirit and reap the earthly blessings of the faith. While I probably won’t make it to heaven, I would that as many people who a willing to have the opportunity to be saved. That is one thing I won’t stop doing for these few months I have left.
I will continue to talk about the goodness of God and encourage folks unto salvation. I think that there are many who can and will reap the benefits of faith because they are better equipped than I. I came into this world damaged – angry and mean (things I have learned about myself from relatives over the years), and so I started out hell bound and while I don’t have the monopoly on spiritual ineptness, I certainly have more equity then I can stand.
So, as people continue (for some reason) to ask me about the bible or God, sure, I will build them up with the word and positively as possible. I will still make Christian greetings cards and products. I will not ever say to anyone my try experiences as it pertains to faith and spiritual growth. I will not discourage anyone trying to be closer to God. I just know that I am not able – I’ll even go so far as to say willing (though I would if I knew what to do) to tap into the blessings of the faith.
Yes, I am ashamed. I mean I have ridiculed others and I have been brought low by others. I thought I was making and taking the right steps but at no time was I ever right. Having stepped out in every direction and having every step be failure…..one might say to just keep on stepping out there but I have stepped everywhere I could possible step and to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is if I’m not mistaken – the literally definition of insanity. The bad part is that I did keep trying expecting different results because I thought I was going and was a different me but no….nothing but failures. Talk about a real nut job!
So, I guess what this means is I will not be returning to regular church attendance. Prayers will be mainly for forgiveness of sins and gratitude for what I have. I don’t intend to be in a backslidden state in the since that I am going back to the “world”. I’m just detoxing from all the church rhetoric and requirements and from hearing about how things should be when you are in Christ while living with how things truly are and have not changed.
Bottom line for this message is that I have no way out this life. There is nothing that can get me to a place where I can start a better life. While there isn’t anything too hard for God, and with God all things are possible I believe that there is a caveat. God is only going to do what is in his will or plan for your life. Therefore, you can believe all you want to that God is going to do a certain thing – you can find scriptures and stand on the word all you want to but if God has not predestined that which you are believing for you will not receive it. My problem if that I could not/cannot get a clue as to what is available to me so I can ask for that and have victory. Even saying Lord give me what you have for me apparently is not the right thing either because I can’t tell if this was me, the enemy of God. I think I have what I call a spiritual learning disability. I have some much bible knowledge and had some much desire to be more than what God obviously had planned that the people in the bible that wanted to build a tower to heaven and God confused there language so they couldn’t understand each other……I feel like that is what God have done to be. I was not meant to be anything more than what I am so rather than allowing victories and spiritual growth he has allowed me to be confused as part of his plan. Since I have accepted the sovereignty of God I have accepted this as truth therefore I can’t sit under leadership that is continually teaching that we should want and obtain more for the sake of the kingdom when for me….it is not in God’s plan for me to be or have more. How can I subject myself to the authority of church leadership when more is not in God’s will for me?
Furthermore, I don’t think that I can be content with constant persistent struggle for another 40 or however many years I would have left so it has to end and it has to end soon.
I still have loose ends that I can’t yet figure out how to fix and I don’t want to leave my mom homeless but If I can’t find a place for her she will just have to figure it out on her own because I can’t continue this way – not another year. This has to be it.
Still Cannot Even Get Prayer Right
I’m not sure what to do anymore. I have no way out of what is currently my life and no hope that it will get better and the surety that things will only get worse. I can’t see a way out anymore. God seems to be rewarding me the exact opposite of my prayers. When I thank him for what I have he allows it to have problems. When I tell him I am grateful for something he allows problems to ensue. I’ve stopped praying for health and restoration for my mother because I am actually literally afraid he will allow her to die. After all death is a form of healing…..as long as you accept the sovereignty of God. I thought by praying for health and restoration instead of healing that perhaps God would do just that – restore her health. But with everything going the way it is I think she would be better off if I didn’t pray for her at all.
I mean it’s just like when I had been praying for safety, security and protection for my nieces in nephews I find out that one of my nieces was in the hospital with some unknown ailment –later called a stomach virus and then while it can’t be proven yet there is grave concern that my youngest niece is being molested by her father and that he is also teaching my nephew – her brother to molest her too. Then my other nephew got injure by allegedly running into monkey bars however he has changed the story twice which means his mother had something to do with this again.
I mean, what the hell? So I have stopped praying for their safety security and protection as it seems the more I pray the worse things get.
As I thanked God for helping and providing a way to get my finances in order all hell as broken loose. Suddenly bill collectors are sending letters left and right, however the money to resolve them is nonexistent.
I by no means blame God for any of these things. The bible says that the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. So what all this tells me is that my prayers are not prayers or my prayers are not effectual or my prayers are not fervent or that I am not righteous. And because I don’t know what else I could possibly do I just give up on prayer altogether.
Love Was Not The Reason
I realized that I could spend an abundant amount of time on listing the qualities that I lack. Unfortunately I don’t feel that I have a lot of time. So I will try to sum up all I have to say about my lack by saying I lack the ability to love. The bible says that if have everything but have not love I have nothing (basically….a really ruff iteration of the verse). Oddly, I don’t have that much to say about it. I mean, I think that love is the key to success in Christ which would explain my incessant failure from a Christian standpoint. The scripture is right….how could I expect anything else to work right if I could not get love right. It all makes perfect sense.
Something important about love that I want to address though is this. I did not commit suicide due to a lack of love or because I thought I wasn’t loved. For those who have gone before me and have left notes as to their particular whys, a lot of them left this earth because they didn’t feel or believe that the were loved.
So, let me put your minds at ease….if you ever loved me believe me I know you loved me. I will not say that I left this life because you didn’t love me. I know that I am loved. So put to rest any thoughts such as “I should have loved her more” or “I should have told her I loved her more”. Rest assured that a lack of love in my life is not the reason I ended my life. I could never say that no one loved me because if I did I would be lying. In fact, thank you for loving me in spite of me. Thank you.
Blessings
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Another Failure
Received some less than pleasant news today. While I should not have been surprised, it was certainly a crushing blow none the less. So, armed with this news I decided to look up painless ways to commit suicide. While the subject matter itself is not funny at all the idea of finding answers is ridiculously hysterical.
I mean this is suicide we are talking about….so if there are in fact painless ways to commit suicide only the people who were successful in doing so would know….and if they were successful then how are we to know what they did and if in fact it was painless? LOL While suicide is no laughing manner, I found myself cracking up at the hopes of finding a painless suicide option on the internet. Even funnier is the fact that there are sites providing answers…..WOW!
Sometimes it sucks to be so intellectual. Now, I don’t count myself as smart by a long shot. But intellectual…..actually analytical is probably a better term.
To me it makes sense to commit suicide verses becoming an alcoholic or drug addict because I have the intellect to know that these things not only are not permanent fixes they are not fixes at all. Going to jail would just pose whole new set of problems and circumstances. Going to the crazy house ( a mental health facility) does not ensure change. Odds are – a mental health facility would do more with teaching coping skills and frankly – I have been coping for soon to be 40 years. I don’t want to cope I want to change altogether.
What’s funny too is that I want to find a painless way to commit suicide all while knowing that my soul will undoubtedly burn for all eternity. Talk about crazy.
The fear of eternal damnation use to be a key to my continuing to cope with life but the longer I live the less fear I seem to have, not that it is any less real – I just think that I don’t care anymore. That’s scary. I have run out of options. God is really calling my bluff here with this latest blow. It’s like every possible positive avenue of escape is being consumed right before me.
I am eerily calm on the outside and disastrously hopeless on the inside. I have got to get more writing done.
Almost There
I am exhausted. I don’t want to say “tired” because tired doesn’t quite fit. I have been employed and working for 27 years and have accomplished nothing. I have been obtaining an Associate’s degree – a two year degree- for the last 22 years and while I have only two class left, the time to apply myself to them eludes me. I have been acquiring skills and abilities since I was two years old and have not excelled in anything. For the last 15 or so years I have worked diligently to improve my disposition, personality, and overall life by way of modern science, modern medicine, religion, spirituality, faith and plain biblical truth – all to no avail. I am not discontented from a standpoint of lack. I don’t really feel that I lack in the material sense. The only material thing that I feel a form a lack for is my own home/property of which no one would be able to throw me out. That would be my only material lack. More importantly though is my vast chasm of personal or internal lack. The funny thing is –these things which I am about to convey as my lacks are things I am able to fake for periods of time. So I guess what I mean is that these things are not genuinely part of my character and sadly, evidently, unattainable for me.
I lack the ability to be the type of person that is generally liked. Please don’t misunderstand, I by no means seek to imply that there is any sadness from not being liked. Quite the contrary, what I have learned is that the more you are liked the more people tend to gravitate to you and the more opportunity avails for there to be pain and heartache. What I mean by the term “generally liked” is that I am generally approachable and personable – congenial as a normal way of life – like normal people. While I can pretend to be that way….it is not a genuinely bread or ingrained part of my character.
And when you have family members including a mother who corroborates the stories about my first words being “I’m mean” and an uncle who to this very day still calls me “meany”…..It’ shouldn’t be hard to conclude that I was just born mean. I couldn’t change it, psychologist and psychiatrists couldn’t change it, medications couldn’t change it, faith couldn’t change it and God —well let me say it this way….I could not figure out how to let God change it.
This leads to my next personal lack. I lack the ability to change. As I look back over my life I don’t really think anything has truly changed. Any perceived change, in my opinion, has really been nothing more than successful and temporary sessions of suppression or self-control. While I don’t concede to say that these “sessions” were done strictly of my own will – I had help of course, I can say that I have not ever experienced personal lasting change.
Adversity or struggling, whether self-induced due to bad decision making skills, spiritually induced for the purpose of growth and character building, or induce due to generational curses and the like is prevalent in every footprint of my life. I guess this is one of the very few normalcies of my life. Everyone experiences adversity – However, I am not sure that everyone experiences adversity as a way of life. Never-the-less this brings me to my next personal lack. I lack the ability to overcome adversity and struggle. I can’t get away from it. It’s and has been in every aspect of my life every day of my life. No matter how positive I am and no matter what positive moves I make, no matter how much I pressed into my faith no matter how much I do right, struggle is present and dominating. In fact even in the praiseworthy moments adversity still rears its head. When I do get something right instead of a reprieve I’m often enduring even more adversity and struggling as a result of the victory or that which I got right. This may be normal and okay for the normal but I am just not built for it – not for 40 years of it with no apparent end in sight. Not being able to overcome struggling kind of contributes to the other personal lacks previously mentioned as it is difficult to maintain a positive outlook and be congenial at all times when you battle minute by minute with adversity and struggling. And don’t get me started on what adversity does to a “so-called” changed heart, mind and spirit….
My grandmother instilled in me and insatiable need to know – a spirit of figuring things out – I have to figure out a thing – it has to make sense – I have to understand. Which leads to another personal lack. I lack the ability to understand. I know the bible says that God will give understanding freely but I guess the key to understanding is the ability to in fact understand. Well, I guess what I really mean is that with me, there is no moving forward without understanding and unfortunately God, for me is beyond understanding….the scripture about his ways not being our ways and his thoughts not our thoughts couldn’t be truer. I’ve longed for more than intellectual understanding as it pertains to God and while God has been true to his word, It’s my lack of understanding of his ways that has stunted any possible growth in my understanding. I almost never learned God’s intended lessons from the trials and tribulations he allows – while God may have intended to endow deep seeds of wisdom typically all I would get from the test – trial – or tribulation is sore from the tears and bitter over the years and have incessantly searched for ways to make sure I didn’t do or go through those things again. It’s like trying to move a boiling hot pan without a pot holder. To a normal person the lesson from the burned hand would be okay next time use a pot holder….for me, the lesson would be, don’t ever move any pan of any kind at all ever. While this is a trivial example, this is how my processing works. So you can imagine the spiritual struggles this abnormal mindset incites let alone the struggles with the things of the world and this life. I never want to negate scripture so I will say that while the bible say that God has given me a sound mind, I could not figure out how to reap the benefits of it.
It’s important to me that you know that I really believe all of what the word of God says and I don’t think it’s feasible to pick one part and say it’s true and another part and say it’s not. God is not a man that he should lie…period….it’s just that I could not understand how to let or make God’s word work. Believe me no one else in the world wanted God’s word to work for them more than me. Especially, since I learned so much over the years but the more I tried to apply and reapply and re-study and re-apply the more elusive true victory became. So when I harped on that fruit of the spirit thing with self-control I tried to make those sessions of suppression (as previously mentioned) count as victories but in reality all I had done was succeed for a second….basically.
I have more I need to say but I will end here for now.
Blessings
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This Is Some Bullshit!
Something is really wrong here. I come to work on time. First of all, I come to work. Second I come to work on time-early actually. I work while I’m at work taking my break as allowed. I don’t spend 20 to 30 minutes going to get my lunch and then come back to my office and start my 1 hour lunch break. I don’t come to work on break. I don’t arrive at work just after or well after 8 drop off my stuff, leave and go out and spend 20 to 30 minutes getting breakfast and then coming back to the office to eat it. I don’t come to work at 11 take a full lunch and leave at 3. Not that I am the stellar employee but I get the basics right yet I am being basically penalized for being a good (enough) employee. There are people who consistently break the rules yet that will be allowed to take vacation time for the holidays. I have to work through all the holidays this season and I am trying to figure it out.
I am dependable, responsible, have a good work ethic and my reward is not being afforded the opportunity to take a break from all this dependability and responsibility yet the folks that couldn’t give less than two fucks about this company reap all the benefits. I just don’t see how it’s fair. You do a good job so here do more shit. And since the other workers can’t seem to do their shit you do theirs too. I mean what the fuck. I know that smart people are taught to become the go to person in the idea of becoming an indispensable asset to a company but to what extent, that you can’t take time away. It would not be such a bad thing if the people I have to provided support for were worth anything but sadly one of them stops working when I come on the clock and the other has a stank ass attitude because….actually I never bothered to find out why she is suddenly a bitch towards me just like her daughter as I really don’t care. The point is I don’t even have a fake point of solace to say, well they deserve the time off…..don’t nobody deserve shit.
I need time away. Fucked up shit always happens the holidays between October and February so I kind of need the time away to compose myself and regroup and try to keep shit moving. At this point I can’t take the day before thanksgiving because I gotta fill in for one of the bosses bitch’s and I can’t take the day after thanksgiving because I gotta feel in for one of the bosses kids…. I have missed many medical appointments trying to make sure those shifts are covered. In fact I have to cancel a medical appointment again in order to cover the shift on Friday. Mind you that was a rescheduled appointment that I had canceled twice to fill in for the other shift. So my health is in jeopardy, I am pissing off my doctors, and often leaving that site in pain and to top it all off I can’t take a break for the holidays. Yes, it’s sounds like a fucking pity party but I don’t care. I make so many sacrifices and the reward for them is here is more opportunities to make sacrifices.
I think I am having trouble processing this because despite the fact that I do what I am told, I can be depended upon and am responsible I am getting fucked for the holidays for being a good employee. The problem is that if I be like the others and do whatever the hell I want I will surly get fired. Case in point- These people around here leave early all the time every day. I left early one day, with permission mind you and I got a phone call about it. I had fucking permission so what the fuck.
As I think about what I have said and the way I said it I was about to apologize as I have tried really hard up until now not to use profanity….well…wide spread profanity like I have done today but I just can’t anymore. It took me several days to get calm enough to write what I did right and I am still not quite right about it.
I called around to several mental health facilities looking for information about assessments because obviously the veterans administration missed something as it pertains to my depression diagnosis and I want to find out what is really wrong. Anyway most of the places that claim to do assessments said they were booked until mid-February! Are you fucking kidding me! One place said they take walk-ins but if I am not obviously psychotic, delusional, hallucinating, on a substance or suicidal that they would not assess me but would give me an appointment and that their earliest appointment was the end of February.
I will continue to suppress as that is what I do. That’s how I function but the epic fails today from the mental health facilities I called really put things in perspective. I really need to get more of my writing done so that I can end this on the proper day. No more optimism. It’s time to get these rants about God finished and my final letters done.
Harrio
I AM SO SORRY!
I am sorry for the money spent and the time wasted. As I write this my eyes fill with tears because I almost want to tell you of my plans with the hope that you would come to my rescue in some way but then as I think about it what could you possibly do. I mean, what more could you possibly do – you loved me unconditionally – what is left?
The point of all these letters is to letter people know that there was nothing they could do. Especially you, you are the only person to love me and not take from me. You wanted nothing more than the best for me and you have tried for years to be there to support me even though I made it hard. You’ve loved me through some of the most ugly and difficult times even from afar you have always been a faithful friend.
The reason I did not reach out to you is because my problems are internal and if the love of God could not change me, the tender charity of man certainly could not have fared any better. Another reason I didn’t reach out to you is because frankly, I feared your anger. You have been very forgiving and compassionate towards me even in our spats over the years but I felt that you would have lost your compassion and I really didn’t want my final experience with you to be a negative one…selfish me again.
When I started these letters I knew that yours would be one of the most heart wrenching because of the love I know you have for me. As much as I love you, I knew that doing this would not be a testament of that love.
I know that saying there was nothing you could do will not displace the probable anger you may feel. As I write this, I find it hard to think that there would be much sorrow other than over my soul going to hell. I guess because you can settle in your heart that you have always been there for me therefore you have the right to hate me for me decision. I guess it’s just hard to think you will still have compassion for me after what I have done.
It probably won’t matter to you now but I was very grateful to have known you. You were the greatest friend a person could have. I guess the main point of my letter to you is my apology. I feel more sorrow at this moment than I have ever felt and I think it’s because I know that is time it is the end.
Though I had my ways about me and we had our spats, I truly loved you. I believe that you knew that. Please don’t let my failure at life keep you from loving someone else with the same grace you have shown me. I am sure that God won’t let you waste your efforts again. He will put you in the life of someone able to handle life and able to express gratitude for your grace and mercy.
I love you. Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself, for helping me when I couldn’t help myself, and hopefully for forgiving me for what I’ve done because I couldn’t stand being myself.
God Bless You Always.
†††
Eleven Months To Live
For the record
I tried to get myself some help today to no avail. The reason for the lapse in entries is due to my stupidity in trying to be a positive person and trying to adopt positivity as a way of life or lifestyle change. Sure several things have occurred since my last entry but I was trying to look at the positive points of those matters and perhaps learn from them and also accepting my responsibility for the matter as applicable. I had adopted an attitude of gratitude lifestyle, trying to be grateful for all things. I have been trying to not be so “me” focused in the sense of every situation being about the problem that was caused for me and being more “bigger picture” focused trying to see and learn how the small matters really compare to the big picture.
I’ve been trying to correct or at least permanently alter my defects and while some efforts yielded its proper fruit most efforts were in hindsight futile at best. I’ve been trying to be the person that is generally liked, generally approachable, and generally tolerant of people because, just as I have problems so do other people and I thought that if I tried to deal with people from their point of view verses using my own prejudices that perhaps I could become people orientated. But alas I failed.
Well, I didn’t fail totally….I can fake it for short (very short) periods of time….I learned that I have the ability to be what people would rather I be but the problem was that I could not maintain that falsity. Inevitably my true nature, candor, and personality eventually reigned true. No matter how much I adopted this “I love people – people are great – give all people the benefit of the doubt” attitude, lifestyle, way of being the more opportunities presented themselves to show me and remind me why I generally dislike people, think that most people suck, and that most people who try to connect with me want to take more from me than they are willing to give.
So for most of the time between this and the last entry I have been doing some trial and error trying to change the core of my being. Why? I wanted to be a better person in general. Also, I wanted to succeed in sales and being an entrepreneur and I cannot be successful in, well, anything unless I am better able to handle people better.
I am an avid crafter. I love to create and make things…things that people actually buy from time to time. I just taught myself another new skill for my birthday. Part of my personal development is coming up with ways to change the situations I am in. And today I realized…well actually I had already realized it but today I was getting ready to do as I frequently do…survey my skills and abilities, figure out what I can do and can’t do, then figure out how to use what I have to change my situation.
However, today I was kinda reminded that it didn’t matter what else I added to my skill set that until I change as a person, until the core qualities of my being change nothing else will help me change anything else. This has hit me kind of hard today for some reason.
I have been trying very hard to change my personality. At my doctor’s appointment about the fibromyalgia I told my doctor that I have been trying to really change the core of my being, trying very hard to be the nice, approachable, loving and lovable person – just a regular person that is generally liked but that in all my efforts I can’t seem to make them stick. I know how to do all of those things but I cannot seem to embed them into the core to change from the inside out. So she tells me that “though behaviors can be modified that personality is developed and that personality defects cannot be changed although behavior can be modified.” So since she is my medical doctor I asked her she was saying I had a defect and she said no that is not what she was saying. So I don’t know what to think.
If I have some sort of personality defect where I can’t permanently change who I am then why am I continuing to do anything. On one hand, a defect explains my failure but on the other hand there is a God. But on that same hand, I failed miserably with God too.
I am an avid believer in the fact that God answers prayer and I am also a believer in the fact that without action, prayers are just sticky notes on the wall. I believe that God always does his part and that we also have a part in anything we are asking of God. I am just incapable of doing my part even down to the basic principle of love.
We are to treat others as we would like to be treated….I do that….I leave people alone! LOL
So, trying to get sales on my products and being an isolated introvert don’t really go hand in hand. Dealing with people and their proclivities is just not my strong suit so putting a face to my brands will never happen. The sales I make on etsy are to people who have never seen me and we have communicated online which works for me made me think it would be a great venue but if I want local success I have to get out there and network and if I can’t perform with consistency as a nice approachable person who handles all people the right way at all times then I don’t need to put a face to my brands as that would be bad for business. But since this will never change I am lost in what to do…
Prime example….A lady at work bought a product from me a while ago (quite a bit of products actually) and recently she asked me to do a special project for her which I did. Last week she wanted to ask me about another project but I cut her short because I was hurting and really didn’t want to talk to her or anybody (fibromyalgia) and then I apologized and found out what she wanted. I ended up creating a few things for her for the project but the point is she, being a christian, was understanding and also previously aware of my illness and was by Christian standard very forgiving but the general public is not like that. Business people have to be business orientated and customer service oriented at all times and unfortunately for me I am not and the prospect of this never changing for me causes me great despair.
So today like I said I got ready to plan my weekend and the tasks I wanted to get done. I was going to start looking for a new job again and that is when this whole revelation of changing my environment will not make me any better until I change myself…and since I have consistently failed at that I kind of lost my way a bit. Then the comment from my doctor about defects being permanent kind of rang bright and loud in my head so now I am like what do I do.
Against my better judgment I reach out the Veteran’s Administration for assistance and at this hour 6 hours later not so much as a phone call about an appointment.
SO now I am charting my path for self-destruction but even that is hard because my mother lives with me and she is in recovery – she has over 20 years clean and sober, so bringing alcohol into the house won’t work because I will not tempt my mother like that… I understand addiction and if she wants to use she will make the choice to use but not on my watch, meaning, I am not going to make it easy by shelving alcohol.
I’ve never been a drug user at all as both parents were and it may be hereditary…besides I am just intellectually too smart for drugs and alcohol as I know that they won’t solve or make the problem go away and that once sober again the problems are still going to be there. But I guess for some folks, just that time of not giving a damn for those few moments almost seems to make it worth the risk. However, I have a problem with balance and if I can figure out the way not to know my problems exist I would probably do it to death, literally and it would be really dumb to die from a drug or alcohol addiction especially when I really know better based on the experience of my parents.
So with those two caveats out of the picture I guess I will have to get a little creative.
Life is nothing more than an excruciatingly slow and painful death. I have 11 months to live. The countdown starts now. 40 years in the wilderness will have been long enough. If I make it to my next birthday that will have been long enough to have accomplished something positive in this life. I will not live another 40 years or whatever time God had originally allotted for my life in the condition I am in now. The next months will be devoted to both developing my life and making plans to end it. I will either come out dancing or go down swinging. I have a few more folks to say good bye to. I need to update or add more to my notes to family especially my nieces and nephews as they are a little older now. So, I have plenty to keep me busy.
Blessings
†††
Not Quite My New Self Today
I am trying to maintain a positive outlook. In fact I have spent the last 5 months trying to retrain my mind and my way of thinking. I have been working on being positive and pleasant. I have been trying to choose to be happy. I have been being grateful for what I already have and don’t have – the whole “attitude of gratitude” thing. On that – I don’t think I had a real big problem with gratitude as I think I am always grateful for the things I have but I think the problem is in the expressing of that gratitude or gratefulness.
I am out of sorts as of late. I started to not feel well on Saturday but I decided to not be depressed and to keep working of my projects. After all, this is the do or die year. This is the year that I have to make something grand happen for my life or end it. I mentioned to the girl at work that I would give it another year since I just moved and am still unpacking and stabilizing from that. But I don’t know.
I guess on Saturday I started feeling like I am working to create my own world in which I would fit. All my life I have been working to try to fit in the world that is and I am just not made to fit it. It’s like I’ve somehow taken that scripture reference of “being in the world but not of the world” to whole new dimension.
Anyway, It’s a at times like this that I really which I could have been successful. It’s at times like this that I wish I didn’t have to worry about abundance and cash flow. It’s at times like this that I wish I already completely owned my own home so that homelessness wouldn’t be an issue. It’s at times like this that I wish I had so much money that I could technically retire or just not have to worry about the lack of money being an issue. Why? Because at times like these I would really like to go get myself some help.
See, if I had an abundance of wealth or at least completely owned a home it would be okay for me to lose my security clearance and ultimately my job because I sought help for myself. People keep saying that people should go and get help, but I say, what the hell is the point of getting help and becoming jobless and homeless in the process?
I am just not feeling today. The messed up part is that all I can do is wait for this to pass and try to make myself be pleasant in the interim. I don’t do drugs. I don’t drink. I don’t have sex. I don’t shop. I don’t smoke. Yet I am still functioning. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful to not have any vices but at the same time I am suffering this shit cold turkey (for a lack of a better term) and forgive me for feeling like I deserve some type of award.
I don’t know. I think I should have stayed home today. I need my job though, so that is why I go. Most of the time I am in pain and I still go to work. I still drive myself to work. This one female at work rides with me some days but when she gets a migraine she either gets to work late or not at all and has the nerve to complain about not having rent money. My thing is you had a ride to work…it’s not like you had to drive, all you have to do is sit there and then you are at work. When I am at my worst I wish I had a ride to work but no I get my pain filled migraine having self up and struggle and get myself to work because I need my job and my rent money.
So, I am trying to create wealth so that I can go get help for myself and not have to worry about the consequences. I am trying to work on my people skills so that I can have customers and clients. My concern is my consistency. It has been several months since I have had an episode like I seem to be having as of late and when I feel like this I don’t want to be bothered and I don’t want to deal with or be around people. Imagine if I had orders to process or products to make for customers or to deal with customer inquiries….I don’t know for sure that I would be able to press through this. This is probably why God only allows minute success for me. I don’t know.
I really have been trying. It freaked my co-worker out when I spoke to the people coming on and off the elevator. She knows that that is not or had not been my modis operandi. I have really been working at retraining me and my attitude about people and towards people.
I just don’t like when I feel this way. I suppose I am supposed to press on and be positive like I am trying to be. I did force myself to smile a genuine smile in the mirror today and I did render my gratitude list but was both forced and rehearsed.
I am trying to feel good and positive on purpose and it’s just not working. I guess that means I don’t have control of self. I mean, if I am supposed to be able to choose and I am choosing this feeling then that means I have no control of self. Otherwise I could choose to not feel this way.
I don’t know. Maybe I am just having an off day – well – few days at this point. Well…at least I am not suicidal. I am not hopeless either. I mean, I am not filled with hope but I am not without hope. Which are good things considering what this site is about.
I guess in my struggle to create my own world and wealth I got to thinking about how no one gets it but me or no one thinks this is neat but me….I was working on a potential product and as I completed it I looked at it and said that no one would think this was cool but me. Meaning, no one would appreciate this but me. Not that no one would buy it but that no one would see how clever (probably too big a word) this is but me. Perhaps it was just a little overwhelming to think that I am trying to create a world for myself in which I fit by being supported by product sales to people in a world in which I do not fit. I guess the problem is that if only I get it then the rest of the world may never get it which means who would buy it. I think I was starting to think my projects are futile and that I may never reach my goal of financial freedom which means I will never be able to go get the help I need which means I will be forever stuck here and will have to end it this year.
I told the girl at work that I was considering another year because I am still getting situated. Of course she does not believe that this this is my do or die year like I said. She thinks I’m joking. I was not and am not but in all fairness I was thinking another year because it is still taking time to get saturated since the move. I am getting situated to develop cash flows from smaller businesses to help fund my billion dollar idea. I have an idea that is sure to be profitable it’s just that I have to get me together. I know that I can’t maintain a billionaire status with the problems I have and I have been working on them but having to worry about money all the time and having a job and keeping a job it is just very hard.
I try to focus and visualize my affluent self and work toward the vision but then I have episodes like this that move me out of position and rattle me so that I just don’t want to be bothered. I can’t be successful and be this way it will not work. It has not worked and I guess I feel like instead of forging a path to a successful future I am just moving on paths that get diverted to these episodes. I feel like I am like the children of Israel wondering for 40 years in the wilderness. It’s like – gee 40 years and we still aint found it.
No, I am no better than when I first started writing this. The point of this was to provide an update on where I am. Still feel like I need some help. Anyone who says there is no God is crazy. It is only by his doing that I am still here and without vices. Only a fool would say in his heart there is no good. I aint no fool.
Blessings
†††
What Am I Supposed To Do!
My prayers are of non-effect, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t shop, I don’t have sex, and I don’t cry since that trusts me into the spiraling depths of depression so what the hell am I suppose to do! While I am grateful to not have those vices I can’t help wondering what to do for a momentary pause from life a temporal moment of relief. This is the year that I figure it out – one way or another.
Almost Finished
I am down to the last of the actual people that I want to address. I can’t find my stupid list. I got one more place to look before I say screw it and just start with my other final postings. The time really sucks. I really don’t want Christmas in my family to have yet another bad association with it but I don’t know that I can actually wait until my birthday again. That is too far from now. Thought I still think it would be cool to die on your birthday.
I just have no way of making my situation better. It’s funny, the more writing I get done the more skittish I get about what I am going to do. I mean, a time is coming where I will have said all that I want or needed to say then it will be time to end this thing. Wow my heart is just a racing. It’s weird actually. No time to be scared.
I actually start writing again because I felt like doing it today and remembered that I hadn’t finished this writing. Unlike many before me, I want people to know why I did it. I’ve gotta address some key things, some of which I touched on in various posts. Today I realized that ever feeble attempt I make to try to make my situation better will never work until I make me better and I can’t do that. I was getting ready to purchase some supplies for another venture when realized that no matter what I do if I am not a better person, a person people can like – not necessarily a person people like but a person people CAN like then anything I try to do will be inexplicably hindered and success will not happen and I know that trying to forge ahead anyway has always ended in failure it all became useless and pointless today.
I can have a bunch of million dollar ideas but if I don’t have a million dollar heart of love nothing will work for me. For me. It almost seems unfair because I have seen some mean hateful successful people…..I resolve to say that that money was inherited…(I have to say something for my mind’s sake..LOL).
Well, anyway, I am at work and need to get back to it. I hate that I have to attend an unpaid company event tomorrow. When I leave on Fridays I would rather not see anyone at all until Monday…which makes it hard to go to church now that I am just a plain member and not a leader anymore. I can’t believe I had the audacity to try to be a leader at church. Look at me now. Glad I asked to be removed. I won’t be leading people to suicide. Well, back to work.
†††
Elijah
My First Nephew,
I love you so much. You have to be the most loving and caring person in the entire family. I have no idea where you get that from as that is not our nature…maybe your father’s side. Listen, you are growing up to be an awesome young man. I am so proud of you. You are very intelligent and since you are so smart I want you to always think before you do stuff. I hope that you won’t let what I have done to myself turn you against God. God is good. I know you have had some questions about him and if he exists. He does exist, I just could never figure out how to operate in his principles in order for them to work. So, don’t blame God. God always does his part. It is up to us to do ours and frankly I just couldn’t do it. I hope that when you get older you will go to church and learn God. God is the key to success but I think that learning him early in life makes all the difference. You have time while you young to figure it out. As an older person, needing things to line up quickly, but always failing at everything just hinders all hope of progress. You are a little young to understand this but it’s okay.
You are one of the key reasons why I have been hesitant all these years. You are such a wonder kid. It always seemed like when I was at my worst you would end up showing up for the weekend or during the week because of school being out or whatever. I use to laugh because I would say that I am useless and there was no need for my life and then God would have you show up and ask me stuff or just tell me that you love me…all the time. LOL. I just want you to know, even though you are too young to understand that this is not yours or anyone one else’s fault. There was nothing that you could do nor say that would have changed the outcome of my life. I think that leaving you and not seeing you grow up is what hurts me and keeps me here but life keeps getting harder, the older I got the more I seem to struggle. My whole entire life has been nothing but struggle and I look and I wonder, for what? I could not take the chance of living the rest of my life struggling. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry. I know that you loved me and I will never have the excuse that no on loved me. I am just so sorry that I won’t be there for you. I hope that you always love and take care of your mommie. Take care of nana too okay. Remember to always tell the truth. I love you and I will miss you. May God bless you always and in every way.
God Bless You Always! †††
My Pastors
Bishop Lyle Dukes and Pastor Deborah Dukes,
Thank you for being the greatest pastors I have ever encountered. I really wished I could have made it at Harvest. I had finally found pastors that seemed genuine, unafraid to speak the truth and were not be concerned about losing members and tithes. I absolutely loved that about you guys. Pastor Deborah, one of our final conversations was about how you hardly ever consider people’s feelings when you are correcting people or telling people how they are wrong in the manner that makes Pastor Deborah Pastor Deborah. You said that you are more about getting peoples soul/spirit right and don’t really care about people feelings. I have always appreciated your style and candor. I do think that you should know that though what you say is always said in love or should I say the intent is love based, your presentation can be off putting, pushy, and mean. Now, I say that with love. I mean no harm or malice to you, your reputation or your image. It’s just that I too have or had rather a style similar in sorts to yours. Like you I never said the things I said to hurt people or to be malicious. It was always about trying to make people better. However, my candor, though truthful and said without malicious intent, often left folks, misunderstood, angry, and often times no better because though what I said may be been helpful and truthful the manner by which it was expressed caused the intended outcome not to be achieved. Of course I have no room to correct or admonish you in any way (especially now), but I always wondered what made you different (as it pertains to the candor thing) than I. I guess it kind of bothered me because I always seemed to be called on the carpet (in life) about this very thing and I use to drive myself crazy with apologizing all the time and retracting statements and all that until I came to Harvest and saw you in action. I was like, so this manner is acceptable….a pastor does it so why am I tripping and why are other people tripping? But even at Harvest I had been admonished to tone it down. I couldn’t figure it out. Never the less, I finally accepted that it must be because of the anointing and call on your life (your position in God) that you are allowed to talk to people without regard for feelings. Hard to swallow but okay. Bishop Dukes, one of our final conversations ended with you telling me that I was too negative. Something I have heard before. I would like you to know that I did play the mind game of thinking positive, speaking positive, purposefully choosing joy over sorrow, desperately trying to find the brighter side of everything and although God is no respecter of persons, I just was not making the permanent changes that needed to happen in order for God’s principles to work for me and I didn’t know what to do. The fake it till you make it didn’t work for me. I tried to be a better person, I understood what that meant and could apply that knowledge but application never change the real person. That is what I could not figure out how to do. I could not figure out how to make change stick. The more I tried to operate as “the person God wants me to be” the less successful in doing so I became to the point of actually backtracking or becoming worse off than I was before I started. I had a lot of questions that I wish I could have gotten answered. I really wanted to know what the key to this thing is. I have been the wishy-washi Christian and I have been the disciplined holy roller neither of which were ever really all that fruitful. So I was trying to find a middle ground at Harvest but I couldn’t figure it out. That is why I filled out the Harvest form and sought counseling, but the powers that be (those who shield and keep certain things from reaching your desk) so I never got to talk to either of you.
Anyway, again I have no place in trying to admonish anybody (especially at this point) but in the future I would that if you discern a problem that you don’t just tell the person what it is and leave them to fend for themselves to figure out how to fix it. If you don’t intend to help the person deal with a matter then don’t even bother telling them because you may encounter someone like me (and I hope to God that there is nobody else on earth like me) who though absolutely believed that most problems are spiritual and require a spiritual resolution, never really grasped how to get things done in the spirit realm. I just makes things that much more difficult on the person especially if they want so desperately to change.
Pastors, needless to say, not that you even think so, or would even give me a second thought (though I do hope you perform the services), I wanted you to know that this was not your fault. There was nothing anyone, including the best pastors in the world (for me) could do. Pastor Deborah, I know you will probably make some comment about how stupid I was for doing this and will give the people a “here’s what you do” kind of statement and hopeful that will reach those that need to hear it and Bishop you may possibly make a heartfelt mention but then again….Though you are very loving pastors I don’t think you would even care because of the unspiritual decision I made. Oh well. I did want to address you as I said in the post to Harvest. I think I left out some of what I wanted to say but odds are with it would never reach you anyway or it wouldn’t have any impact if it did.
May God Bless You Both Always †††
My Sisters
Tamika and Deidra -My Sisters
It is my hope that you come to the understanding that now that you have children your life is about them and doing all you can to give them the best opportunity possible. I pretty much stayed out of your life…out of your business because you didn’t really value my opinion. So rather than be judgmental or causing dissention amongst us I thought it prudent to leave well enough alone. Our family or relatives rather as a whole have the inability to get along and rather than having hatred and separation between us I figured I would keep my comments and suggestion to myself as I know I would not be received and any angst about your particular decision making processes I kept to myself because this family does not know how to agree to disagree and still care about and talk to each other. I figured that keeping the peace was what was best.
Just as I have said to all the others, this decision that I made was not in any way your fault and there was nothing you could do or say to change what I’ve done. Frankly, I have been tired for a number of years and had always wondered when I would finally for sure do this. My previous failures led me in error to think that maybe there was more to life more for me to do, more for me to accomplish. But the longer I lived the more disheartened I got with life. The more I tried to be better the harder life became. Any sense of progress would be only being downtrodden by continual failures. Any time I got to a place of peace it was taken away and not only that the progress rescinded and always took me back two times worse than where I had initially started. It’s one thing to be knocked down it’s another thing to be knocked down and pulverized and sifted. None of this makes any since to you anyway so I will just stop here on that.
I did want to clear up a matter that has bothered me since I found out about it. Apparently Aunt Toni told you all that I have lots and lots of money and that I was rich and that I don’t spend the money because I don’t want to give you all anything. The jacked up part is that you believed it. First of all I am the most giving (it’s okay to boast now…I’m all but dead) in this entire jacked up family. So for you to say that I have money and wont share with you is a pain I never fully forgave. Second, if I had money like that, believe me, you would not be able to find me. I would have gone so far away that you wouldn’t know if I was dead or alive. I am sure this is the anger speaking but it’s not far from the truth. I can’t tolerate the needlessly stupid decisions you make especially when it comes to your kids….my nieces and nephews. The dumb decisions that cause them hurt is really more than I can bare and I would rather not be around than to have to bare the pain. So needless to say, if I hadn’t done what I have done and I had hit the lottery or my businesses had huge success, believe me…you would have gotten a check in the mail and a letter good of goodbye.
I hope that you both get counseling because you both have some serious “daddy issues.” It’s one thing to have a man take care of you it’s another to have a man that has to take care of you because you can do nothing for yourself. I suppose I shouldn’t have knocked it until I tried it but I prefer to take care of me…me I will always have…a man can go when he wants to.
Do know that I love you. I have always wanted the best for you, for you to get your life together for you and now for your kids. I hope you all do well.
God Bless You Always! †††
I Understand Why Some Drink Or Do Drugs
I will continue to say….at least while I am still here that, I so understand why some people drink or some people do drugs. If I had something available to drink I would probably drink. If I had a drug to take I would figure out how to take it. I don’t understand why everyone drinks or does drugs but I can relate to those ones that just want to escape. Escape the everyday. I have operated on the “if you don’ t like it change it” premise. You see how that turned out. My thing is/was that I have/had too much sense to know that drinking or doing drugs to the point of escape would not make the problem actually go away or even make it better to deal with so that’ why I never indulged not to mention both my parents where alcoholics and drug addicts. Anyway, drinking or drugging would not have made anything go away. I would not have fixed anything, everything would have still been there when I sobered up.
I think that was part of my downfall spiritually speaking – trying to operate as if the problems/flaws didn’t exist. Acting like you didn’t have the issue by operating as if the issue does not exist does not make the issue go away. Just because I choose not to cuss you out does not mean that I would never cuss you out or even that the propensity to do so is at a lesser degree. I found that all it meant was that even if I go for days, weeks or a year without cussing you out there is a day that I will no holds bar go the hell off. It was uncanny really. Utterly discouraging. It seems (in hindsight) that while I had been (at a point) successful in exercising self-control (one of the fruits) I never ever stopped or got deliver from having “cussing you out” as an option. I mean, this applies to everything, I just chose cussing someone out because….many of you have seen me in action. LOL. So simply acknowledging a flaw and then in an effort to fix the flaw trying to operate as if you do not have that flaw does well until there is a operator error so to speak and then stand back. It’s funny that I figure this out at the end. I have learned that I can be _____________ (fill in the blank) but odds are I actually am not that. This is part of why I have to go. Everything, from business success to ministry success really hinges on me being loving, caring and a person people generally “like.” The failure of my life is because frankly I am not those things. I can be and have been but it is not me. I failed at making these things my character and because they are not inherent and deep seated in my heart and my inner most being it like I can turn it on and off. If I ever loved you, I really did actually love you and suffice it to say if I hated you I absolutely no questions asked hated you (until I learned about forgiveness). Anyway, I have tried relentlessly to apply biblical principles to how I deal with people and how I carry myself as a Christian but that is just it…I could do it though some things were hard but…I am not sure how to explain this….as badly as I wanted to succeed, especially in the things of God –my so called evangelism ministry- I just could not change or stay changed or whatever. And it’s not like I got tired of doing the right things or trying to. It’s like how many years and your still trying to….the bible said something like (bad paraphrase) I long to give you meat but you are still on milk. It’s like there seems to be progress and then bam failure and not just failure in a royal way (as my pastor would say) but failure on what seems to be an epic scale.
I understand why some drink and some do drugs! †††
Don’t Want To Do This Today
This is just a random expression of how I happen to be feeling well not really feeling more like what I am thinking…I am thinking I just don’t want to do this anymore. The day to day. I went to church yesterday. It had been a good month or so since I’d seen or heard a word from my pastors. It was refreshing and familiar. Since I don’t have any real hope I am not surprised by my lack of connection. They were talking about change. I plan to address them in a separate post. I was going to append the post I did to the church but I think I want to address them specifically.
Anyway I wish I had never ever been born. It’s not like I have accomplished anything. It’s not like my life has any purpose. I believe, from a God point of view that I have or had a purpose but unfortunately I just could not make myself be the person that would eventually accomplish that purpose. What sucks is that I can’t just say to hell with it all and go back to “the world” as the church would put it because I know too much. In essence I know better. But my inability to permanently move forward, to permanently show mercy and grace, to permanently pray the right way for my enemies, to permanently perform or participate in the spiritual disciplines that develop Christian character….my inability to conquer me and kill me from a spiritual standpoint is why I am doing it from a natural standpoint. My problems are not mental but spiritual. I just can’t not be me.
I can’t stay like this but I can’t change either. I was sort of “okay” with trying to find complacency in the place I am in but I can’t do that and go to church. The church says I should change – be better and don’t get me wrong…I totally agree. I just can’t do it.
If I were finished writing all that I need to write I would probably have begun to get my affairs in order post haste so that I can end this. That’s how I am today…I am not emotionally charged or angry or sad. I am scarily calm. I am typing this with the coolest of heads and calmest of emotions. The funny thing is…Saturday I had a very good day. Nothing caused it. It’s not like something good happened and it was a good day nor was it like nothing bad was going on but I had a good day. Everything about that day was just as it was the day before as it pertained to my life but somehow I was happy. I was happy that entire day for reasons beyond understanding. In fact I kept saying, “why am I so happy today” I kept trying to figure it out…I was wondering what I did. Obviously I didn’t figure it out because here I am today.
I hope to get back to writing. I’ve got about 7 or so more actual people to address then I have a bunch of things to post on my understandings/misunderstandings then I have a whole bunch to write in reference to God and then my kind of like a final statement. That is a whole lot of writing all of which I had hope to have had done by my birthday as I thought it would be cool to pass on the day your are born but it’s not looking likely…kinda sad but I can’t go without letting folks know why and hopefully opening discussions (after I am gone) about things and getting rid of the stigma and career crippling effects of trying to get help for these types of issues. I will address those things in depth but one of the reasons I can’t go seek the help I need is because I will lose my job….my security clearance will be snatched and I will not be able to get a job that allows me to pay my rent and bills. My thing is, what the heck good is it to have a sound and firm hold on life if you will be homeless and un able to work? How dumb is that to be walking around boasting of a sound firm grip on things with no job and no home- less the crazy house.
Anyway…that’s some of my thoughts at this hour. As I think about it, I will probably not get to write today –the folks I have left to address are kinda tough. I mean some of the others were tough too but at least 3 of these last folks a really difficult to start. Anyway….perhaps I will begin writing to some of my other things….I got a bunch!†††
Not Today
It’s 10am and I am drained already. I just spent 4 hours standing and watching other people work. Normally I get to go home after pulling this duty but today I had to go to my day job and not only that I get to stay late again. I am hurting…my back and my feet are on fire. Man, it’s really hard to shift from mindless work to having to think. Sheesh…I’m drinking coffee to try to get a jolt. I am so very tired. I probably won’t get a chance to write today.
Tough One
I got a few more done today. My list is shrinking slowly. Besides the people I want to address I was thinking about all the other things I need to address. Unfortunately this thinking made me remember some of my talents well….more like abilities and I kinda got sad – oddly. My life, my talents (abilities) the ideas that will never come to fruition, songs that will never be sung, the music that will never be recorded,the poems that will never be published, the ministry that will never get off the ground, the lives that a better me would have reached….this is all weighing on me right now….and it’s heavy. Wow…..
On a different note….I called my granddad today. My father’s father. I realized that it has been nearly 15 years to the date (yesterday actually) since my dad died. My dad died less than two weeks before my birthday. I remember because I use to go to a military church at that time and people were giving me both birthday wishes and condolences and I needed to send a card to thank the members but a card for the occasion didn’t exist so I had to write a poem……that is how I got to thinking about my abilities and skills….
Anyway, my granddad was very happy to hear from me. He always is. I wonder how old he is. He told me he has lived in that same house for 46 years. I guess when I start making the rounds I will try to go and see him.
Wow…I can’t believe how heavy and sad I feel right now. I went out on facebook today because I hadn’t been out there in a while. I replied and said hi to a few folks that I have addressed hear already. They said they miss me and they want me to call them. I am trying to muster up the “everything is great, I am happy in Jesus” routine before I call but I am not sure I can pull it off. I think I am going to call it a night. With the exception of about 2 or 3 people the others are so very difficult to begin, not to mention the other issues to address and then my questions and my statement to God. I may have to write them in secret like in the car because I get emotional just trying to form the thoughts. I was extremely emotional when I wrote all the ones I wrote thus far which surprised me. My mom has a sixth sense and she knows when something is wrong. She couldn not possibly handle this which makes doing this so hard. I’ve seen enough talk shows and dr. whoevers to know that an addicts choice to use is their choice and the outside circumstances don’t dictate that but for my minds sake I do not want to be the cause of my mom going back on drugs. This is why I keep her out of everything wrong with me. She just can’t handle it.
Anyway, I will get back to my list at some point tomorrow. †††
A’mareani
My Second Niece
Baby Girl! NiNi, I think you got your mean from me. LOL They use to call me mean when I was your age too. I don’t think you are mean (of course not right…LOL). I think you are discerning. You just try to figure out where people are coming from before you deal with them. I get it. LOL! You have a special place in my heart. You have to be the only person on earth that likes to hear me sing. LOL! Your Mommie had me and your Nana babysit you and your brother while they moved to the new house. You love your Mommie so much, just like Amare. You were so sad while your Mommie was away. You cried and cried. I held you and sang Jesus Loves Me This I Know. You stopped crying so I kept singing and when I stopped singing you started crying so I kept on singing until you fell asleep. That was such a special time for me. You are a special little girl. I hope you are introduced to God and taught of his ways soon too. Talent is in your blood and I think you will be an awesome asset to the Kingdom as a singer/psalmist one day. You are already singing. A’mareani, you are a beautiful baby girl with a beautiful name so grow up and be beautiful okay. I know you will grow to be a strong woman of God. I told your big brother to look out for you. So let him okay? You are only 1 year old right now but I hope someone will remember to tell you all this when you are old enough. You will do great and mighty things in God. Let God guide you. Learn to follow Him early and you will easily follow Him later. Auntie Loves You!
God Bless You Always!
Amare
My Second Nephew
Wow! You are one tough little guy. You are so incredibly smart. I think you knew how to use a smart phone and could play games and videos before you could even walk. LOL! You are going to grow up to do great and wonderful things. You will be a force to reckoned with I tell you what. You love your mommie so much! I want you to always love her and look out for her okay. She needs you. NiNi needs you too. You are her big brother. You must love her and look out for her too okay? You’re just a little boy right now but hopefully someone will tell you all this when you are old enough. Your great grandma (my grandma) was a very wise lady. I will tell you what she told me. She said, “don’t go out into the world looking for people to love or like you.” I will further add that if you love yourself you will make it easier for people to like and love you. I hope you get to learn about God and start to learn of His ways soon. With God all things are possible for you. I think kids should know this and have it ingrained in them at the earliest of their understanding. Amare, whatever you want to do in life, if you start out with God, you will finish strong. Auntie Loves You!
God Bless You Always!